I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. It hurts more and more every time.
Doesn’t matter how angry you are. How could I say something so hurtful to him? How would I act if he said something lie that to me? Like a complete bitch. Sometimes I hate how I act and what I say and how I handle certain situations. I want to change so badly do I stop hurting the people I really care about but it’s so hard. Why can’t I just be considerate an think before I speak? Why do we always argue? I never see any other couples argue here. Never in the entire almost four quarters I’ve been here. But Ivan and I publicly argue all the time. I wish I could take back every cuss word I’ve said to him. I wish I could stop saying more cuss words to him. Why can’t I stop. I need to stop. I want to control my anger. I want to be better to him and not take him for granted anymore. I hate myself do much.
So today is Thanksgiving and I spent this day in San Diego at Vickie, Neary, and Somaly’s apartment. Geva and I drove down and got here at like 3 this morning. She left about an hour ago and now everyone is getting ready for bed because tomorrows Black Friday (a BIG day for retail) and they all have work tomorrow. Today was very nice. We woke up at 8 (well Neary and I at 8:30 and Geva at like 12..) to start making food since Vickie had to work from 1 to 4 today. [Poor Vickie has to work from 1am to 10am too :/] The food was quite good. We made green bean casserole, glazed ham, stuffing, and mashed potatoes with ground beef and corn. We played Life (Somaly won, Vickie close behind, Neary lost, Geva didn’t get to finish because she left) and we got dolled up to take pictures. I attempted to do some physics homework today, but didn’t get much done. I will finish Mastering Physics tomorrow though whilst everyone is working (thankfully I won’t have to be here at the apartment alone at all because they all work at different times). Its really nice spending time with the girls I grew up with. Neary and Somaly I still feel like I haven’t connected with on the level I would really like to. I just don’t feel as close to them. Vickie will always be Vickie, always look forward to spending some quality time with her. Geva is still just Geva. We had been on ‘bad terms’ during the summer up until two days ago when it was established that I’d come with her to SD. I think we were both just really annoyed with each other. Geva though we all were against her because Victoria and her were arguing but that’s not the case. Neary and Somaly were neutral and I was just thoroughly annoyed with her immature behavior—which I try no to let get to me unless it directly affects me. I mean I met the guy she’s talking to, Bo, and he seems like a decent guy. Polite but doesn’t go to school. The whole trip to SD she mentioned how she missed him and so on and what gets me a little annoyed is that she used to complain when I would say that about Ivan. Hippocracy. Oh Ivan. How I’ve missed him so so much. Seeing him everyday has been so so nice (although I take it for granted a lot.. I need to start changing the way I act some times, its unnecessary sometimes) and not seeing him—even if it’s just an hour, a day, a week, whatever!—is literally screwing with me. I feel a heavy feeling in my chest and I just miss him so so much. I can’t wait to see him Sunday night. I just hope we don’t argue. He got upset that Bo was with Geva when Geva picked me up. I think he thought that Bo was going to SD but he wasn’t he just wanted to go with Geva to UCLA then get dropped off at him friend’s house. I think Ivan shouldn’t get upset over that. I mean I was going to bring him why can’t Geva bring someone too? He has been really patient this time though. I haven’t been texting him very often but he’s stayed calm and hasn’t sent me a million texts and miss calls. I really appreciate it now compared to how it was last year but i feel as though … I’m so sleepy I can’t even type or remember what I was typing mid-sentence. Time to sleep then I supposed. I wish Ivan was here so I could fall asleep next to him. I love sleeping with him (even though it can get super uncomfortable with him being a human HEATER, him taking all the room and pillow, and him hitting me in the face I love having him next to me. I just feel safest, happiest, just right). I wish he could see parts of my mind and what I’m thinking then he’ll know that even though I’m not texting him or talking to him the moment it doesn’t mean he’s not on my mind. He’s always on my mind. I’m either daydreaming of him, planning something to do with him, or with him. And everything reminds me of something that has to do with him. I love him so much . WHY CAN’T HE JUST KNOW THAATTT!? ASLDGJASIOKASLDFJA;’S;FKMOIW
Ok. Time for sleep.
He infuriates me so much. Sometimes I can’t stand to even be in the same room as him. He gets mad over every little thing. I don’t understand. It’s been a year and a half and he still feels insecure and that’s he’s competing with other guys. The idea just pisses me off. It’s just so stupid! He doesn’t understand that if I’m not with someone who I think is the best and perfect for me then I wouldn’t be with that person. I wouldn’t be wasting time with someone who i don’t see myself in the long term future with. I am with him because I want to be with HIM. The only thing pushing me away in the end is him being like this. He left my dorm building just now after we argued in the hall. He said multiple things mad him angry and he left my dorm with hardly even a good bye. Clearly he was angry so I let him leave because he seemed like he needed space. He texted me then saying to meet him by the elevators and that is when we argued. He asked me if I even care. Obviously I care. I care about letting you think your thoughts through so we don’t discuss them in a heated setting. We discuss with level heads so we get a fair resolution. But no his way is always the right way. He said he was upset that I “stood him up”. Which I have not. We were supposed to watch breaking dawn on Saturday but Vickie brought up how we’ve watched all the movies together and wants to watch the last one together. And I asked Ivan if we could watch another one and he was fine with it. Now he’s using it against me? It’s so frustrating. He has been wanting iIn-N-Out for a really long time now and idk why I’ve been so bad and keep telling him no. He would definitely go get something with me if I wanted it.. I feel like I’m just not comfortable going out so much here at ucla because I hardly left my dorm last year. Or I’m just lazy. Or im just a Bitch taking him for granted. But I feel he takes me for granted too. He’ll never see it that way though because he him he says hes the absolute perfect boyfriend (which in many ways he is but not entirely) Either way he said that’s the main reason he’s mad. I don’t believe him. He’s clearly jealous and it’s channeling into anger. Or at least it’s clearly to me. I’ve lost my train if thought and have no idea what im even writing anymore. I don’t understand why he never just let’s me walk away. When he grabs me its hurts so so badly. Not so much physically , though i think he bruised me this time, but my heart feels like its shattering into a million pieces and all my thoughts just burn away and I’m consumed with fear and anger and resentment. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get that I need a minute to be by myself. The exact second I’m alone I miss him like crazy and I think more clearly. He just doesn’t get it and will never try to even attempt to understand because he’s so fucking stubborn. I’m so tired. Sleep now, try to let it go and sleep peacefully for now.
Yeah. Like that’s possible.
I’ve decided to record my life in a blog. I think this will help me think out my thoughts and reflect on what I’ve done and what I still want to do. This may be kind of hard being as I am computer/laptop-less at the moment.. Yes my lovely laptop is currently unusable. I cracked the LCD screen by squishing headphones between my keyboard and screen whilst getting it down from my bed. Sighh. I’m so disappointed with myself. How could I have done that? Especially in this current financial situation. And not to mention the fact that I just lost my phone a week ago. I am so irresponsible! ): Anywho, I shall get it fixed soon! Ivan and I are heading out to the city today. He’s been wanting In-N-Out and I asked him to watch Breaking Dawn pt 2 with me. He’s sleeeeping right now and I have hacked into his Mac and am using it. BUHAHAHA. Juust kidding, I know all his passwords and he knows all mine. Its nice being open and trusting with him but… I don’t know. I always have a fear of finding something I don’t want to find… But, that is for another blog. But overall this will be where I express everything and anything. My mind is open here.